Farrah's Story

I watched Farrah's Story this morning. Chuck DVR'd if for me. I'm glad she told her story and she makes some excellent points about cancer. Why don't they do more research on the cancer's that kill quickly? My type of cancer was curable. And yes, people still die of it. There is very little research done on Hodgkins because it's rare and relatively curable. However, there are several other cancers that are common and also curable and yet there is tons of money spent on them. Heck, I'm not going to beat around the bush here: Breast Cancer annoys me sometimes. I know lots of women who have had it. I know lots of women who have died of it. And I want a cure for all types of it too. But there are good survival rates for it now. What about Farrah's cancer, or some forms of lymphoma, or the one I want to see a cure for: Lung cancer? Why isn't there funding for these types of cancer?

I found Farrah's story to be true to life and interesting. It was a real tear jerker when her son came to see her. I can only hope that her story will inspire those with some money to do some research and at least find a treatment for anal cancer.

It's April! Holy Crap!

I can't believe how time flies! When last I wrote I had just done my scans. Got another one in June or so- a few months away. Not really thinking about that now. I'm too busy planning my show schedule and waiting for the closing on our house. We are moving to Tully! Our house is small and in the city and, while I love the city, we couldn't afford a nicer house AND continue to pay more than our current house for my horse to live in his. did you get all that? Yes, it costs me more than my current morgage to keep Lex. Oh well- what I do for the love of my horse.

So, we're packing up and moving (all 4 of us: me, chuck, lex and dixie) to an 11 acre property in Tully, Ny. Well, Otisco actually, but there is no post office in Otisco so our mailing address is Tully. Tully is 20 miles south of Syracuse. There is a barn and a sand arena and we'll have pastures. oh yeah- and a 3,000 square foot house, a hot tub and a pool. Not bad, right? Plus, my biggest fear: that Lex will get hurt or retire someday and I'll still be paying an arm and a leg for board will be gone.

Lex and I had our first show of the year. What a great boy he was! We trucked around, jumped everything. Even got most of our lead changes! As is typical of greenies, we always had one mistake. So, not many ribbons. But that's not what we're doing. This is called "Mileage". You bring your horse to tons of places and jump as many different jumps as possible. it gives them exposure and a change to get all the kinks out. This is Lex's first year showing and my first year since 2006 and 2006 was spent on the back of a seasoned horse. It's been a long time sine I rode a baby! Anyway, we're having fun and he is such a good boy! He tries so hard. I gotta stop getting nervous though or he's gotta start ignoring me! Because I get him all worked up! Anyway, next show is May 3 in Ithaca: wish us luck!

My twice a year cancer post

So, I must point out that while I've been cancer free for almost 2 years, there are many people that I've met along the way that are not. I had my PET and visit with my doc the first week in January. I am always confident that my scans are good but when I go in for my visits the longer they take to come see me the more panicked I get. I could feel my blood pressure getting higher and it was all because my doc hadn't walked by to say a cheery "hello". Yes, I'm a chick and I read into things too much. It's just the way I am. But, everything was good, as usual. All I have left of my cancer days are a scar that the Nurse Practitioner couldn't even find on my neck and the scar where my port was. As soon as that thing clears up I'm wearing a strapless dress because I haven't been able to for 3 years! And that's my favorite kind of dress!

I wanted you all to think about my hodge friend Ayla. Many of you remember our meeting in 2007 when I was at a CT scan and she was just being diagnosed. I knew what she and her family were going through and I hope I comforted them a bit. Now, a year and a half later her Hodge was not as easy to kill as mine. She has been admitted to a clinical trial at MD Anderson in Texas. She's doing well. If this treatment works, not only will this mean remission for A but it will be a huge step for cancer. Well, step back really. This trial is for a drug that attacks just the cancer cells not every cell in your body. So this would be a wonderful thing for cancer treatment and for A!

Now, back to the title of my post. It's my twice a year post because the big doc (well he's actually a little guy) has put off seeing me until June! Yup- we'll be seeing each other twice a year. I've graduated. Now, 1 more year and the guy will probably forget all about me! Although, he did say that chuck and I were his favorite couple...crazy dude!

So I think I'm ready

The last time I had a riding lesson it was early december. I think I jumped like 5 jumps and they were each about 18". Now, I'm the first to tell you that height isn't everything. However, during that month off...I lost my nerve. I hadn't jumped and I wondered if Lex had forgotten how. But, as we warmed up for our lesson and started trotting fences, I quickly realized that I was the only one with concerns. Lex loves to jump. I aimed him at the first jump and his ears perked up. I flopped around like a dead fish and he didn't care. He just did his thing the way he knows how. Then we added a canter fence and then a canter oxer. A cool oxer that was 2 white gates set as a box oxer on the rail. He just popped over it. Once we got over that I knew I could breathe easy. Then Pat raised the fences. I got nervous. Oh my God! I have to really find spots?! Yeah, I'm a loser and worry wart. We were fine. Lex doesn't care about height. Just me. Just I do. So, I made several mistakes. But I realized something. With those mistakes came confidence in Lex. No matter what kind of spot I put him in: Huge launcher; something a little tight (althought that's rare- I like 'em long); or the perfect spot. Lex didn't care. He jumped it and he jumped it well. So, now I can't wait to have a lesson again. I'm all excited that I know my horse will jump anything I put in front of him and we've got the tools to be good. Now we've got to practice using them. Lex is a great horse and he takes care of me. He really was sent from heaven to take care of me. I love him to death and thoughts of selling him get further and further from my mind. He's my little (I mean big- huge actually...) savior. He's my boy!

What is it with family?

So, I've always heard that people get stressed out at the holidays about being with family. I've heard that some families treat each other as if it were 15 years ago and the now 30 year old is still 15. I've heard it on the news for years, but I've never actually experienced it....until now. Maybe, over the past 2 years every one's been too afraid to treat me like a 15 year old again because I had cancer. Maybe they thought I was too fragile. I assure you, I'm not. Maybe it's also because we haven't been around our extended family for the holidays in years. We haven't really seen my dad's side since my wedding and we've seen my mom's side for short spurts here and there, but never too long. We're still figuring out what everyone does for jobs, never mind personality traits.

It is most annoying to me that people don't get the relationship that Jessica and I have. They think we're supposed to treat each other like we "love" each other. Jess and I are not like that. We talk everyday on the phone, we email all the time, and no, we are not "lovey". In fact, we know each other so well that we are ourselves around each other...IE. sarcastic bitches. We think it's funny. However, our family feels the need to comment on it. Which annoys me to no end. Just because they don't get it, doesn't mean that we need "a good beating" or "a slap in the head". Our personalities are different. I don't comment on the fact that any of them lack a good sense of humor. Personally, I love coming home each time to a family that tells me I'm a bitch before anything even comes out of my mouth. Jess and I don't think that way. WE don't judge people by the way they were 10 years ago. We take what we get today. In my opinion, its one of my greatest strengths. I forgive and forget very easily and maybe if others weren't so judgmental, I would come around more often. But, I prefer to be taken at face value for what I've done today and not what I did 10 years ago. I prefer to look forward and not back. Maybe if the rest of my family thought the same way, I wouldn't be inclined to stay away.

Some good things do come from cancer

As I've said many times, cancer doesn't change you, it just makes you think in a different way. For me that means accessing my happiness often. I recently changed jobs. At first, I wasn't sure I could do it...Do I really know what I'm doing? Do I really know how to fundraise so well that I should be in charge of fundraising? The answer came pretty quickly- yes. I surprised myself with my knowledge of fundraising and an understanding of the volunteers and employees that work toward a common goal. I found myself drawing from past managers and co-workers to form my own stance on management. And I ask Chuck a lot of questions. He's an excellent manager of people. He never compromises his integrity. And, while he's got a tough exterior, he knows when life is fun and when it isn't. I greatly admire and respect him for his management style. Luckily, he's also good at managing our marriage. I'm Vice President.

I work hard and as my time becomes more valuable...both with me making a nice salary now and now that my time here on earth has been potentially shortened by chemo and radiation....I look for ways to make my happiness come first and my time doing un-fun things minimal. I live to ride Lex and when I decided to buy him, I wondered (like when I took my new job) if I could do it. Could I manage him on my own? Could I ride and know what to do? Do I have any clue what the hell I'm doing? The answer to that too was yes. I know what I'm doing.

I didn't have the confidence in my experience to think I did know what I was doing, but I absolutely do and over the last few month on Lex I've come to realize that I can do this.

Lex is my horsey soul mate. My once in a lifetime horse. The other half or my horse back riding soul. He and I were meant to be together. Now, without getting mushy...everyone has a once in a lifetime horse. Beezie Madden has authentic. My mom had Misty. And I have Lex. We go to together like PB & J and we compliment each other like no other horse or rider could. We are perfect together. That doesn't mean we're perfect- it just means we have the potential to be perfect. With that, and the increasing value of my time, I have moved Lex to just 20 miles from me. He lives in a beautiful brick and stucco building. After breakfast every morning he goes out in a 3 acre field with 6 other geldings. He comes in on the nights I don't ride him to a clean stall and lots of food. There is a grass hunt course for riding in the summer and a beautiful heated indoor for rainy days or cold ones. There are more jumps on the property then there are horses and the ability to ride free and let the wind whip through our hair is all around us. Including miles of trails just up the road.

While I'd love to have Lex at home, this beautiful place will do for now. It's our home and it already feels that way. Lex settled in quickly with me there to help him and we've already had so much fun on our rides that I wish I could be there everyday. But, when I can't, I know he's outside with friends and doesn't miss me one bit! As I look forward, I see happiness and the understanding that Lex and I will enjoy our time together and reach our goals with just a bit of wind in our hair...

update

So, briefly: I've been busy making some changes and enjoying what's left of my busy summer. I'll update again soon, but Lex and I are finally going to get to hang out together ALOT! I'm so excited to get to see him whenever I want! He's my soul mate and my best horsey friend and I finally get to have him close to me and hug him and kiss him everyday. yay! more to come this weekend after our first weekend together!